Throwing Pearls to the Swine?

So the first date is over and the comments, both verbal and online, have come in.  There are a lot of people who have unequivocally and quite passionately stated that I should not further any conversations with date numero uno.  I’ve thought about this…thought about it some more and have concluded that Christ does not brush me off when I do something that offends Him.  In no way am I equating myself with Christ, but I am unequivocally and passionately stating that I am commanded, directed, instructed to be Christ-like.  Thus, if Christ could love me and ever live to intercede for me despite my repeated offenses against Him and constant misrepresentations of Him, then I can get over myself and express to date number one my genuine concern for his lack of recognition of the value and honor which God has bestowed on His life!  I am not trying to save date number one, get with date number one or even convert date number one…BUT…I am trying to do what Christ does for me continually…and that’s love in spite of who we are. 

So that’s it…here is the question to you mes amies (my friends):

Am I throwing my pearls to the swine or am I practicing the love of Christ?

Please don’t read this without leaving your response to the answer.  I think it’s important that we engage in this discussion, as clearly it has been a hot topic among those I know.  In my next blog I will talk about the need to erect boundaries in different relationships.

Until then,

Peace, Love and Hair Grease!

Bernadette A.

A.K.A.  The Pink Blogger

The First Date

Alright so here it is the long-awaited and anticipated blog about the FIRST DATE!

How did we meet? 

In a bowling alley…that’s a pretty safe spot…right up there with the library, don’t you think?  I was told by a male acquaintance later that some dudes have a certain action plan or “mindset” about girls that they meet at a bowling alley…HUH?!  I didn’t get more info about that, but I think further investigation is warranted considering that I had no clue that there was a strategy used by some men who frequent bowling alleys.  When I hear more about that…I will report back to you…lol!  So anyways after flashing a smile and engaging in a brief conversation initiated by him…numbers were exchanged.  Now let me tell you…This is sooooo not a Bernadette move.  The last time I engaged in a random conversation with someone of the opposite sex and exchanged numbers for the purpose of getting to know each other I was 17!  I am a very conservative person when it comes to talking to people I don’t know…there’s always the real fear that you’ll be talking to a Paul Bernardo or something…but I’m trying new things and I’ve decided that I need to be more open to meeting different people.  Plus numbers of crazy men can be blocked…lol!

Setting up the date

I received a text from him the night of our first meeting saying that he would call the next day…I thought this was very nice!  It quelled some of the jitters that were arising over doing something that I hadn’t done since I was 17!  LOL!  Anyways, the next day true to his word…another positive thing…he called and asked if we could go out.  I agreed and a date was arranged for the following day.  I told him that he could choose our activity, because remember I’m practicing allowing the guy to lead.  He offered to pick me up at my house…ummmm NO!  As my best friend says, “I don’t know you from a hole in the wall…” so ix-nay-on-the-knowing-where-I-live-ay!  I told him I’d meet him on location, which was at a downtown theatre.

The Date

So we met up in front of the theatre.  He paid for the tickets…another positive thing…but trust, believe and know that I had my just-in-case-you-pay-for-one-ticket-only-money ready to be whipped out.  We chatted for the twenty minutes before the movie about our family lives, educational backgrounds and vocational experience.  The standard getting-to-know-you conversation, which doesn’t really tell you that much about a person, but is necessary because it tells you a bit about a person’s character…Is he/she dedicated and steadfast enough to have completed some type of post-secondary education? Is she/he bouncing from job to job complaining about the people at every job who are conspiring to destroy them or do they possess the fortitude and tenacity to grow in one position before moving to another one?  I will talk more about this stuff in another blog, but as a woman I am not trying to be gold digging when I casually ask about education and work experience.  I am asking because it tells me a bit with the emphasis on “a bit” about who you are, your interests, and your character.  Enough said.  I digress…(smile)…so we chatted…good conversation overall and then went to see the movie…which by the way I let him choose as I figured that he probably wouldn’t want to have seen “He’s Just Not That Into You.”  LOL!  So I decideded to be accomodating without comprimising  my values (cause I wasn’t trying to watch anybody’s “Bloody Valentine.”  Oh no!  Not putting that junk in my spirit)…Sorry, I digress again…(smile)…but I compromised in agreeing to watch an action flick that I definitely wouldn’t have gone to the theatre to see.  Besides, since he was paying for the movie and given that there were no guarantees that we would be ever seeing each other again, I figured that at the least he would get the chance to have a fun evening watching a movie that he wanted to see with good company.  So we watched the movie which was a very good flick…I didn’t fall asleep…I’m infamous for falling asleep in movie theatres!  LOL! 

At the End of the Date

Before we were about to part ways, he asked with a bit of intrepidation in his voice if we could…GO TO A HOTEL!  What the JILL!  (Sorry, that’s the Trini girl in me.  LOL!)  Yes, he sure did go there!  So in as calm a voice that I could muster, I informed him that I was HIGHLY offended by his proposition and then I proceeded to ask him whether he would appreciate knowing that his younger sister was propositioned in such a manner.  He told me not to go there and then stated after some thought that if she was over the age of 18 and wanted to have “fun” then it would be up to her discretion.  WHAT?!  WHAT’S FUN ABOUT SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE RANDOM?!  I told him flatly and firmly that I was not that type of woman and that I was one to be treated with the utmost respect.  I proceeded to tell him that it was imperative for him as a man to treat all women as he would desire for his mother or sister to be treated.  He apologized profusely for offending me.  However, before we actually parted ways he asked if he could have a kiss.  WHAT?!  DID HE MISS EACH AND EVERY SOCIAL AND VERBAL CUE THAT I JUST GAVE HIM?!  I told him no.  He then asked if we could go out again.  I told him that I would have to consider it.  And with that, THE DATE WAS OVER!

Post-Date Debrief

Okay so please don’t believe that it is my desire to put this guy or any other guy on blast.  As I’ve stated a number of times this thing is more about me trying to meet new people.  So if I discover that someone doesn’t fit my personal criterion I am not going to flip out and blog about it.  I am not perfect and neither are the people that I meet and as they say, “what is one [wo]man’s junk is another [wo]man’s treasure.”  So I state in bold letters it is not my intention, desire or Christian duty to tear people apart after going on dates with them.  However, I will and I actually feel obliged to write about experiences that need to be discussed in a wider forum because they represent issues that should and need to be talked about.  This here is one of them.  I know that as a Christian woman I share different values than others…I totally get that.  But since when is self-respect and dignity just a Christian value?  Today our world is rampant with all types of STD’s and let’s not fool ourselves into believing that AIDS and HIV are viruses that are circulating only on the continent of Africa.  Plus, what about unwanted pregnancies?  Condoms and birth control pills are not fool proof.  Is it worth being linked to someone for life because of the need to hook up for one night of some half-hour-not-so-great-sex.  Cause really how great and fulfilling can it be when you do not have an emotional, mental or spiritual connection with the person?  There’s much more to say, but I hope that I have presented some food for thought. 

FYI – I will be conversing with my first date again to much of my friends chagrin!  I am very curious and intrigued to have this very same conversation with him.  Our date was a learning experience and I believe that we could learn much more from each other in discussing our differing views about sex before marriage.

Alright lastly things that I personally learned from the first date…which from henceforth will be the focus of my subsequent date blogs.

Things I’ve learned from the FIRST DATE

1. If you are meeting on the random.  Let your first date be at a coffee shop in the bright of the day.  I gotta tell you that after this experience I was tempted to write off this method of meeting people, but I know that to do so would be throwing out the baby with the bath water.  Cause I have a friend who got married recently to a gentleman that she met in an unexpected place on an unexpected day.  So instead of writing it off, I asked myself what could I do to make this a more enjoyable experience…and I decided that a half-hour coffee date would be more appropriate.  That way I or he could bounce if we felt like the conversation was absolute torture. 
2. Don’t feel pressured to be so nice to someone that you compromise yourself and your safety.  If you feel like someone is putting you in a place that is comprimising or uncomfortable then speak up and make an exit.  Women today are in dire need of practicing how to communicate their values to members of the opposite sex.
3. No more movie dates on the first date.  So much of your time is spent watching the movie that you can’t get a chance to get to know each other. 

So what are your thoughts and comments.  Do you think I blew everything out of proportion?  How would you have responded to the situation?  Let’s talk about this!

Until next time,

Bernadette A

a.k.a. The Pink Blogger

Please note:  In this blog, I am speaking as one who possesses and lives by Christian values and ethics, but I am trying to argue as one who is trying to appeal to those who may not possess my same values but who I’d like to challenge to consider the rationale and invaluable principles behind the values that I possess.

The Dirty Little “S” Word

So it’s week 4 of my 12 Dates in 12 Months journey.  My apologies for not posting last week.  This blog is definitely challenging me to meet self-imposed deadlines.  Alright, so there’s lots that has happened since the last time I posted, namely my FIRST DATE!  But to be honest I’m not quite ready to write about it yet.  I’m still framing how I’m going to write about it in my little mind…above all things I must ensure that I am tactful and respectful because people matter more than sensational blog posts, so  I will post about the FIRST DATE this Sunday, Feb. 22nd.  I promise!  What I will say about the FIRST DATE though is that it was tres interesting and I learnt a whole lot about myself and the “dating world” because of it.  So you’re not going to want to miss reading about my FIRST DATE!

 So back to the topic at hand…the dirty little “S” word.  I’m sure lots of my Christian readers are wondering what this title is all about…lol!  The dirty little “S” word refers to SUBMISSION.  Last blog I spoke about a man’s ability and responsibility to lead…this blog it’s going to be all about the ladies responsibility to submit within a marital relationship so that a man can lead. 

As I have alluded before the dating relationship can be a training ground for marriage and to take it one step further our daily relationships can provide us with lots of opportunities to learn, develop and practice character traits that will help us in our marital relationships.  Perhaps the first person(s) that a girl will learn to submit to are her parent(s).  I know that not everyone grew up with the Cleavers or Huxtables, but nonetheless the Bible commands not suggests that an individual yields/obeys/submits to those who are in authority over them, this includes parents, employers, husbands and God (Rom. 13:1; Eph. 5:22; Col. 3:18; Jas. 4:7; I Pet. 2:13,18).  The issue is that our society equates submission with weakness (which is why I entitled the blog as I did), whereas submission in the Bible is very much accquainted with an acquisition of power.  There is a need for a paradigm shift concerning the role of submission in relationships in general in order for there to be real restoration and functionality in today’s relationships.  Listen, there’s so much that can be said about this topic as submission is not just for women, but it also applies to men…and this is the clincher when it comes to submission in a marital relationship…a woman is called to submit to her husband, but that husband is called to submit to God (Heb. 12:9; Jas. 4:7)!  Furthermore, husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the Church (remember Christ died to ransom the Church…so we are talking about some real serious love!) and husbands are called to love their wives as their own bodies, “He who loves his wife loves himself” (Eph. 5:28).   

Single ladies, listen up!  This is HUGE!  You need not fear being submissive to a man if he is submitting to God and if he loves you like he loves his own self.  If those two requirements are fulfilled then you can trust that everything is going to be IRIE!  The reason why many of us catch ourselves into relationship problems and DRAMAS is because there is some serious power struggling going on.  There is a lack of good, proper and God-ordained submission happening in the relationship–the woman to the man and the man to God–which can and may undoubtedly lead to a lack of respect, mistrust, abuses, etc;  Few ladies understand the power of choice that they possess…the power to choose who you submit to! 

Alright, so I’ve written as much as I think is necessary about this topic…I think you get the picture of why I am trying to practice how to submit in my various relationships so that I’m ready for a fulfilling marital relationship.  Because God knows that as an independent-I-can-do-it-on-my-own-millenium-woman I struggle with total submission and obedience.  I am the kind of girl that likes to have things organized (yes, my closet is organized according to color and clothing type).  I like to be in control and it is only through much growth that I’ve been able to chillax when everything is not going according to plan.  As Steve Harvey says, “He ain’t through with me yet!”  LOL!  So what’s important in my mate-preparation process is to be able to learn how to let go of the reins and trust another to do just as good or a better job than myself.  This may not be your issue…you may need to be careful of being a doormat or people-pleaser to a man who does not understand, appreciate, respect or value your worth, which means he’ll take advantage of your act of submission.  We all have our issues we need to work on before we get into that marriage relationship.  What’s important is recognition of the issue and then the prayerful and practical plans of attack to change the issue so it becomes a non-issue. 

THREE PRACTICAL WAYS A WOMAN CAN SUBMIT IN A NON-MARITAL RELATIONSHIP

1. Get into the practice of allowing your date to make decisions about your outings and choice of activities.  Let him lead!  And ladies please don’t spend the night looking sour because the activity isn’t exactly what you would have chosen.  Encourage and respect his attempts to lead.  If he has to be in control of everything then that’s a whole other issue and you should consider whether he’ll be able to respect your individuality and need for autonomy.
2. Practice following your boss/empoloyer’s instructions without lip service and with a pleasant attitude.  Not everything requires a comment or a challenge.  Essentially choose your battles and learn to respect your boss/employer’s authority.
3. Practice obedience to God.  If you know that there are areas in your life that are out of whack and where you can act in accordance with his commandments, teachings, laws, etc then with His grace begin…there’s no better time than the present after all!

So what are your thoughts?  Do you think it’s archaic for a woman living in 2009 to submit to her husband?  Drop me a comment and let me know!

Blessings Mes Amies!

Bernadette A.

a.k.a.  The Pink Blogger

To ask or not to ask? That is a darn good question!

Welcome to week 2 of my 12 Dates in 12 Months journey!

I’ve had a lot of people ask me if I’ve been on my first date yet…the resounding answer to that question is “No.  These things take time.”  What kinda time do I need?  Why can’t I just go on out there and start asking people on dates and dating different folks?  Two reasons:

Reason #1

It is not my intention to just go on 12 random dates for the sake of saying, “goal reached.”  I am purposefully trying to meet new people and that means attempting to cultivate real friendships that will hopefully last after the “first date.” 

Reason #2

I will not be asking anyone on the first date!  Oh yes…and so the stakes are raised.  You see I am a firm believer that there are some gender roles that although very traditional need not be messed with.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the independent woman who can pay her bills and handle her own…and I’m all about the strong man who works inside of the home with his children while his wife works outside of the home paying the bills.  I’m not suggesting that women should be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen, while men should be the family’s primary breadwinner.  Nope you won’t hear that mess coming from me!  But what you will hear me say is that there are certain roles that men and women should uphold in order to ensure that a relationship works optimally. 

I believe that the man should be the one who steers the relationship…both dating and marital.  According to the Bible a man is called to be the head of his home (Eph. 5:23; 1 Cor. 11:3).   And the women’s role is to be submissive to her husband’s headship (Eph. 5:24)…I know that made some of you cringe…lol!  And to be honest it made me cringe when I first read it!  I told God, “Oh no!  That is crazy and it’s not happening in my household…ix nay on the submission ay.”  FYI – This blog will be part one of two.  I’ll talk about a man’s headship in the first part and then a women’s submission in part two…cause there is just too much stuff to talk about 🙂

So as I was saying I have committed to not asking anyone on a date so that I can assist my male friends with developing their role as “head” in the relationship  What does being the head mean?  It means being the leader, the head cahonna, the chief honcho, you get the pic…  What else does it mean?

Well firstly, as the head of the relationship the man is responsible for leading his family (this means making major decisions…of course with the assistance and input of his female counterpart, but primarily the decision making should rest upon his shoulders).  Secondly, as the head of the relationship the man is responsible for protecting his family (that’s not just physical protection…I’m also talking about emotional, spiritual, and financial protection too!).  Thirdly, the male is responsible for being a provider (in my opinion this does not necessarily have to mean financial provision…now a days with people possessing varying education and vocational levels…it may be entirely possible and acceptable for a woman to be out in the workforce, while a man stays at home to watch the children…and might I add there are some don’t-step-in-front-of-the-tv-while-I’m-watching-the-game-Axe-wearing-I-am-a-man’s-man who hold it down on the homefront…and look darn good doing it too!) .  So these are just a couple of the criterions that are indicative of a male’s headship role. 

So when a female decides that she is going to ask a man out on a first date, to marry her, etc.  I believe you are messing with the man’s God-given abilities to lead and direct the relationship.  Oh I know that I’ve stepped on some toes with that one…ouch!  But heck ladies I believe its the truth!  If a man wants to get to know you…he’ll ask you out on that first date.  If he wants to date you exclusively ’cause he’s feeling that you might be the one…oh he will for darn sure tell you (no ambiguity).  And the big one…[drum roll please]… if he wants to marry you…he’ll buy the ring and bend on one knee.  No need for ultimatums, coercion, etc.  When a man knows what he wants…he goes after it!  Period!  I know a lot of women love to nurture and coddle their men, to make all the decisions,  to plan every detail, to lead and let him follow…but I guarantee you that if that’s the way you start the relationship, that’s the way it’s going to be ’till “thy kingdom come!”  Be prepared to almost single-handedly decide what house your going to buy, where to vacation, whether you should have two or three children, whether you should move out of the country, etc.  If you don’t allow a man to lead, provide, protect, and just plain be the head of the relationship now, then don’t expect him to just automatically have a vested interest and firm opinion later on.  Cause you’ve taken on the role of his momma and his momma/wife/girlfriend you gonna be for the rest of your relationship.

Ahh…this blogging stuff’s good for the soul!  LOL!  So there it is…I will not be asking anyone on a date so that I can give my male friends the opportunity to lead, as that’s what they were born to do, and so that I can…[gulp]…submit…like I’m supposed to!  LOL!  It is a learning and growing process for both parties…and one that I’m glad to do!  So stay tuned for next week’s blog about females and submission…coming out on Wed. Feb. 11 at midnight! 

“Sure it’s the 21st century, sure you can ask, sure it’s hip to ask, but in the end it’s a silly decision that is only based on your pride and your fear that the right guy will never come at the right time to ask you out the right way.” 

Excerpt from the Art of the First Date, by Hayley & Michael DiMarco, p. 30

As always, I welcome your comments, questions, and I-can’t-believe-you-said-that mail.  Email me at thepinkblogger@hotmail.com or better yet post your comment/question below for all to see.

Until next time mes amigos!

Bernadette A

The Pink Blogger

P.S.  There was so much more to say about this topic…but I’ve got 50 more blogs to go…I sure will get around to it!

Pull up a chair and let’s get down to business!

So as part of one of those dreaded New Year’s resolutions, I decided to step up my game concerning my open like a 24-hour Wal-Mart social calendar.  This did not translate into filling up my calendar doing more girl bonding activities, I’ve had my fill of those, but it meant being purposeful in both meeting and engaging in activities with members of the opposite sex.  Uh huh…that’s right, I said it.  I wanted to go on more dates!  A Christian woman that wants to go on dates you ask?  Yes!  12 Dates in 12 Months to be exact, and considering the fact that I’ve had approximately one date in the last 6 years (not including the time that I was in a committed and exclusive relationship) this is a daunting and formidable feat for me.  But heck it’s time that Christian women stopped sitting in the pews waiting for God to seat a fine-employed-God-fearing-humorous-respectable… [insert the rest of your wish list]…Mr. Right beside us.  I have participated in my fair share of conversations with women both Christian and non-Christian alike which begin and end with a heavy sigh and the question, “Where are all the good men?”  Well, I have decided that I will embark on a journey to get to know more members of the male species through the “ominous and mysterious” dating process so that I can 1) enjoy a more abundant life through increasing my social sphere and involvement in social activities, and 2) perhaps meet someone who I would be interested in pursuing a committed and mutually edifying relationship.  So there it is in a nutshell the whole crazy plan…but, I’m sure I haven’t even begun to answer your questions about this hair-brained scheme.  So I’ve provided a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) section so that you can have your questions answered!  If you want to add any questions drop me a line and I’ll try to answer them the best I can!

So that’s pretty much it for now…please check out the site every week, as each week you’ll find new stories and anecdotes about my personal pursuit to increase the amount of dates that I go on this year.  I plan on writing about life, love and relationships.  If you have any questions or comments please post them or if you want them addressed anonymously then email me at thepinkblogger@hotmail.com and I will try my best to address them.  

Please note that this blog will be written from a decidedly and purposefully Christian perspective.  I make no apologies for who I am or where my value system lies.  That being said though, please stop by and share your thoughts, opinons, comments, experiences whether your Muslim, Hindu, Atheist, Agnostic, etc.  I welcome varying opinions and it is my desire and hope that this blog will be used as a forum to discuss issues such as dating that are common to the human experience! 

P.S.   Please tell your friends and family about this site…as they say, the more the merrier!

P.P.S.  Men please don’t let all the pink scare you off…LOL!  I look forward to reading about your comments and opinions…hey and you never know you may get a peak into the female psyche…and for free too ! 🙂 

See you next week amigos!

Bernadette A

The Pink Blogger